As the 2nd District (OH) Turns–The McEwens Plan a Campaign Day

Note: The following conversation was relayed to BizzyBlog by a high-tech fly on the wall.
The scene: Bob McEwen and his wife Liz are meeting with campaign manager Nonita Via. Bob has a lot of ideas about places to visit.
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Nonita Via: Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. McEwen.

Bob McEwen: Good morning, Nonita. We’ve been campaigning here for two whole months now, and we’ve gotten to know the people of this district very well. In that spirit, you can start calling us Bob and Liz, and we’ll call you NV.

Boy, Liz and I can’t wait to get out there and mingle with the people of myyyyy Second District today. We’re getting down to the last couple of weeks, so we have to plan our agenda very carefully. Let’s start in Batavia. We’ll go shake hands with the patriotic blue-collar men and women at the Ford plant there.

Liz McEwen: Good idea, Bob. High-paying manufacturing jobs are so important.

NV: Uh, Mr. and Mrs. McEw-, er, Bob and Liz, that’s not a Ford plant any more, and hasn’t been for over 5 years. Now it’s a joint venture between Ford and Z-F.

Bob: Ford and the F what?

Liz: Hey, no F words around here.

NV: No, no, Mr. and Mrs., er, Bob and Liz. The name of the other company in the joint venture is ZF Friedrichshaefen.

Bob and Liz: Oh. (pause)

Bob: They still make transmissions, right?

NV: Yes.

Bob: Well, at least that hasn’t changed. But The F–sorry, Liz, I mean Z-F– probably wouldn’t be the best place to go to show my support for American companies.

NV: Especially since the UAW local endorsed Paul Hackett.

Bob: Paul who? In what race?

Liz: Wait, the 2nd District IS the only race. Are we running against him?

NV: Not yet. (under breath) If ever…..uh, Hackett’s a Democrat.

Bob and Liz: (looking at each other knowingly and overconfidently) Oh. (pause)

Bob: That’s okay. We’ll go and visit the Corning Precision Lens Plant west of Amelia. Betcha thought I was going to call it U.S. Precision Lens, didn’t you, NV? But I know they changed their name to Corning Precision Lens in in 2000, because I keep up with what’s going on in myyyyy district.

NV: Well–

Bob: I can remember when President Reagan visited there when it was USPL in 1988. What a special man he was… (daydreaming) What special days those were…. (eyes getting misty)

NV: But Corning sold it. Now it’s called 3MPO. Mr. Mc-, er, Bob?

Bob: (coming back to reality) What? Oh. Sorry. (pause) They make robots now? Like that one in Star Wars?

Liz: Oh, high-tech manufacturing is so important.

NV: No, Mr. and M-, er, Bob and Liz, it means 3M Precision Optics. They still make lenses that go into TVs and other types of displays. 3M bought the plant about 2-1/2 years ago. That probably wouldn’t be a good place to go either. They haven’t done real well since 3M bought them.

Bob and Liz: Oh. (pause)

Bob: That’s all right. We’ll just hop on over to the Kenwood Towne Centre. That’s one of the great malls in America, and it’s in myyyyyy district. We can greet the people there at the entrance to Lazarus.

NV: Mr., um, Bob, that store is a Macy’s now.

Bob: What? This is a low-crime district, and I plan to keep it that way! Why would anyone devote a store of that size just to selling Mace? When I’m elected, I’ll make sure that–

NV: Bob! This is a conversation, not a speech.

Bob: Oh. Sorry. (pauses) Well, let’s do the meet and greet in front of McAlpin’s instead.

Liz: Shoot, I was hoping to do a little shopping at Lazarus. But McAlpin’s will work. Having first-class retail stores is so important.

NV: Guys, the old Lazarus is a Macy’s department store. Y’know, the same people that have the Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York, and who have a store about 10 miles from yourrrrr home in Virginia? And McAlpin’s is now Dillard’s.

Bob and Liz: Oh. (pause)

Bob: Well then. That will be perfect. We’ll do a meet and greet at Macy’s, and then go right over to McAlp-, I mean Dillard’s. You know where I want to visit next?

NV: (under breath) Uh-oh…I mean, uh, no. Where, Bob?

Bob: We should go visit that historic elementary school up in Kings Mills and say hi to the kids and the teachers there. We should call in a photographer to take pictures of us with those kids, our most precious resource, in that old school. Shots like those would work well in our next round of TV ads.

Liz: Oh, how perfect, Bob. Education is so important.

NV: Uh, guys, that building just has the district’s administrative offices now. The district built a new elementary school across the street four years ago, and their last day of school was last week.

Bob and Liz: Oh. (pause)

NV: (reaching into desk drawer) Here, Bob. It would probably be better if you study this map of the district’s major landmarks, and this Southern Ohio Directory of Companies. I’ve printed out a list of our district’s zip codes, so you’ll know whether each company is really in yourrrrr district or not. That way, we can plan our day better tomorrow, after you have learned about the big companies and important places that are in yourrrrr district. Like Luxottica.

Liz: Since when did that kind of thing get into this district? It’s just everywhere these days.

NV: (sighs) No Liz, not Erotica. It’s called Luxottica.

Liz: I don’t care. Bob, I don’t want that sick stuff here in yourrrrr district–

NV: Liz, stop. It’s an Italian company.

Bob: I don’t care what nationalities or ethnic groups are involved, I–

NV: Guys, will you please listen? Luxottica is the company that owns Lenscrafters now. Y’know, the “glasses in about an hour” people? They built a huge headquarters up in Mason three years ago, and they’re expanding it again.

Bob and Liz: Oh. (pause)

Liz: Well, making sure people can see is so important.

Bob: Well, NV, maybe you have some suggestions about where we can go.

NV: Well…(bravely suppressing true thoughts) There are a lot of other big companies here that weren’t in the Second District back in the mid-1990s, or that have grown a lot, like Thomson Publishing, Cintas, Anthem Health Care, a big Procter & Gamble research facility, and (gulping) FACS Group.

Bob: That’s great. A company that make fax machines in myyyyy district!

Liz: And more high-tech. That is so important.

NV: (almost yelling) Guys! That F-A-C-S. It stands for Federated Allied Credit Services. They manage the credit card programs and do administrative things for Federated Department Stores.

Bob and Liz: Oh. (pause)

(longer pause)

Bob: Well, it looks like I have a little work to do, NV. While I study the directory and the landmarks, why don’t you get on the phone and buy more radio and TV ad time? We need to remind the voters how much Liz and I know and love the people and places of myyyyy 2nd District.