Dear Muffy/Biff: From Your Loving Parent(s)

This draft letter is provided for parents who don’t think that a kid’s dorm room needs to be straight out of Neiman Marcus:

This loving missive is being sent e-mailed to you and hard-copied to ensure that there is no misunderstanding of my/our concern for your well-being.

I/we think that you might expect, after reading this, that when I/we send you off to college, that you’ll be able to decorate your dorm room as you see fit, with an unlimited budget, as the delayed adolescents who think they’re soooooo adult portrayed in the USA Today article seem to have.

Allow me/us to suggest that if you want a room decorated as you like, you are currently living in one, and are more than welcome to stay in it while you go to college. I am/we are perfectly willing to make minor alterations to it to accommodate your whims. There are ____ (fill in the blank for your area) quite acceptable universities in the area within easy commuting distance where you can pursue the degree you desire. I/we figure that if what’s in your sole-occupancy room isn’t acceptable for your portion of a dual-occupancy dorm room, then the dorm room itself must be what is actually unacceptable. I/we will therefore spare you the grief of living in an undesirable place, and save myself/ourselves the outrageous expense of collegiate room and board.

Love,
Your Parent(s)